A Very Weird and Haunting Dream

Last night, I had an intense “wake-up” dream. It was really weird--at least I thought so—but I don’t really understand it. I needed to write it down so I could stop thinking about it, so I figured I’d put it into my blog! I won’t be naming any names of people in the dream, for obvious reasons. I’ll only name family members. So, here it is. :o) Also, this dream was very realistic, so that’s why I am able to describe as much as I am.

In a very small church, I am walking up the aisle. Step after step I approached, and feel a foreboding doom. Everyone in the seats was happy, whispering, and I was near tears, out of my mind with sadness. “Oh, she is so lovely,” and “They go so well together,” whispered throughout the church. In my head I was thinking “NO! This is NOT how it is supposed to turn out! I’m supposed to marry a prince charming or something not a frog!” Yeah. I was pretty distraught. The guy I was about to be married to—in case you couldn’t figure out, this is my WEDDING—was at the end of the aisle, smiling at me. I swear I got the chills (and not in a good way) when he smiled at me. Darwin* was not handsome, or cute, or even remotely good looking. And when he smiled at me, I felt like he was just looking at me and appraising my looks. Pretty sad. (note: in real life, the guy I’m talking about is pretty, uh, not good looking, and he has a crude sense of humor. But he’s real.) I somehow got the “ceremony” without bawling or something. When we walked outside, me and Darwin, I realized that the whole freaking town must have came, because it was so tiny. There wasn’t even a limo waiting outside to take us the reception! The knot in my throat doubled in size.

Darwin walked me to a nearby house (I think the two-bedroom thing was supposed to be OURS). “Come on, let’s go inside,” he said. Yeah. Right. “Where’s the reception at?” I asked. In my dream, I could see him roll his eyes. “Um, there isn’t one. We’ll have a small dinner party at seven tonight with my family.” JEEZ. Talk about cheap. I must of looked upset, and I was, because then Darwin put his arms around me and repeated, “Let’s go inside.” Um, double no. Somehow, I disentangled his arms from around mine, and ran. Wow, I was being childish, but whatever.

While I ran, thoughts that had been at the back of my mind during the ceremony burst through and overtook me. I shook with disgust at what I had done. I had married a small-town, average, ugly guy, who I didn’t even LIKE. Sure, we got along every once in awhile, but the only reason I actually married him was because everyone in the small town pressured me to. [Note: Yeah, somehow all of this information came to me in the duration of the dream, but it made sense] I ran around the corner, and into a building with an open door. Truly, it was labeled “Band House”. Darwin wasn’t even in band. I don’t really know why or how it was there, but it was. I ran inside, and no one was there. Happiness. There were all sorts of different floors, with dozens of nooks and crannies, and steps and ladders. I ran randomly, trying to find a good spot to just think and relax. Finally, when I had reached the basement, I slid underneath a piece of woodwork, and just collapsed. Darwin came down and found me. “Mads!” He said. “Are you okay? Get up!” I just feigned sleep and he left in a hurry, probably calling the police. A few minutes later, my sister Grace came down. “Mads? Are you okay?” She was being really nice, and the voice soothed me. “Um, not really,” I said. I kept talking, because I knew I would be able to confide in Grace. “Do you think I’m a bad person? No, don’t answer. I am. I married a guy I hate, I’m stuck as a young freaking wife with no life, and I live in a little town where it’s big news when someone pulls a muscle. I should be with a guy who lives in the city, has an awesome job, and has, like, no family. Oh, and the kicker? If Darwin was the least bit attractive, I would probably be happy to stay here with him. I’m a bad person.”

Yeah, so that’s my dream. There was some more, but not really important. Like, I went upstairs afterwards; I don’t remember what I did. I really have no idea whatsoever what this dream is trying to tell me, but its kind of haunting me. I little while later, I had a dream where I met this really hot guy near the mall. Do I have some prejudice against bad looking guys? I don’t think I do. Maybe I read too much, and my expectation for the perfect guy is too high. :o) If anyone has any ideas about this dream, let me know. I need ideas!!!

*name changed

How Far We've Come

...Then I can't remember caring for an hour or so

Started crying and I couldn't stop myself

I started running

but there's no where to run to...

--Matchbox Twenty.

Jacob Black

I recently re-read Eclipse, and fell in love with Jacob Black. I love his personality, I love his looks... I love him. Now, don't get me wrong, I love Edward Cullen too. Just as much. But if you asked me which one I would rather date, I'd say Jacob. Jacob is right for me, while Edward is right for Bella. Bella and Edward are MADE for eachother! Anyway, I gathered a few of my favorite Jacob quotes. Some spoilers may lie ahead...

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"Did you seriously just stamp your foot? I thought girls only did that on TV."

-- A classic Jake saying. Love it!

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**SPOILER**

His hands were soft on my face and his warm lips were gentle, unexpectantly hesitant. It was brief, and very, very sweet.

His arms curled around mine, and he hugged me securely while he whispered in my ear. "That should have been our first kiss. Better late than never."

Against his chest, where he couldn't seem the tears welled up and spilled over.

-- Wow, loved this. The description... :o)

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His familiar husky voice sent a wave of wistfulness through me. A thousand memories spun in my head, tangling together --- a rocky beach strewn with driftwood trees, a garage made of plastic sheds, warm sodas in a paper bag, a tiny room with one too-small shabby loveseat. The laughter in his deep-set black eyes, the feverish heat of his hand around mine, the flash of his white teeth against his dark skin, his face stretching into the wide smile that had alwways been like a key to a secret door where only kindred spirits could enter.

-- My favorite Jacob quote. It's so perfect... this is when I realized I liked Jake. :o) I prefer dark, mysterious guys.

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"You look plenty human to me," I allowed. "At the moment."

"I feel human." He stared past me, his face far away. His lower lip trembled, and he bit down on it hard.

"Oh, Jake," I whispered, reaching for his hand.

This was why I was here. This is why I would take whatever reception waited for me when I got back. Because, underneath all of the anger and sarcasm, Jacob was in pain. Right now, it was very clear in his eyes. I didn't know how to help him, but I knew I had to try. It was more then I owed him. It was because his pain hurt me, too. Jacob had become a part of me, and there was no changing that now.

--Awww, poor Jake. How sad... :o(

My Awesome Dream

My dream.

A dark enclosed swimming pool. Though it’s not really a swimming pool; it’s more like a pond. But a clean pond. The “walls” surrounding the pool/pond are something straight out of Rome, with big pillars and everything. It’s all quite gorgeous; I can see the stars glistening above my head, twinkling down on me. Weirdly, I am able to stay under water for an uncannily long time. For some reason, this really doesn’t seem to occur to me; the fact I really need to breathe. I emerge from the dark pool eventually, and there’s this glowing object sitting on the side of the pool, watching me. It’s a fairy small and dainty, and all that crap. Actually, it looked a lot like Tinker Bell from Peter Pan. Then, out of nowhere, Peter Pan appears, flying, above me. He’s glowing too. He lands on the side of the pool, and points to me. I look down, and I’m glowing too! Peter tells me that I have “pixie dust” in me (I know, I know, weird…) and that it (the Pixie Dust) is special, and I need to get away from my secluded swimming area because people think that if they kill me, they’ll then get the pixie dust in them. So I was all, “Okay, sure”, and I went along with the whole scheme, because, what the heck, why not. Peter can fly, and I can swim; awesome. I’m also not getting any older (a weird pixie dust thing); double awesome. So, just as Peter’s dragging me out of the pool, all of the people from my swim team in the summer emerge form the shadows of the Roman-structures. Woo. It’s a party. Kerri says “Mads! We need to go!” So we all leave, and we’re running through the forest (oh yeah, did I mention that the pool is in the middle of a forest?), and it’s so much fun. Even though I’m running for my life, I’m laughing and it’s awesome. Everyone is taller then me (remember, I’m not aging), but it’s still great fun.


Wow, so, can you say, what an awesome dream? Should I explain why I had this dream, maybe? Yeah. This is my conclusion: I just finished the “Peter and the Star Catchers” book series, and that’s why Peter and Tinker Bell are in the dream. I’m swimming because I haven’t swam in awhile, and it calms me. The open night sky also calms me, and makes me feel good. So that’s why that’s in there. I really have no idea where the idea of a swimming pool enclosed with Roman-structures came from, but hey, it looked cool. I have a feeling all of my swim team friends were there, because I miss them. They made me feel loved and protected in the dream, and I miss that from the summer. I loved this dream so much, no matter how weird it was. :o) The colors (dark blue) are what really stood out to me, and also the fact Peter Pan was in it. :o)

Bye-Bye Weekend

Where did the weekend go? Seriously, it's already Sunday night, and I'm about to go to bed.

School tomorrow.

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, that's gross to think about.

Okay, my weekend was okay. Friday was amazing, as Fridays always are. I did nothing except chill.

Then, Saturday was crazy. It went by so slowly. :o( I'm in the Nutcracker (snow and spanish--woo.) and I was at the studio for 5 hours yesterday! It dragged on and on.

Sunday I woke up late, after having the most amazing dream. (Yeah, I'm not gonna say anything about the dream, because it was so amazing that it's just going to stay in my head.) My dad made pancakes, go figure, and I did homework the rest of the day. I also did my laundry, cleaned a little bit, and played with my brother. :o)

I hate Sundays. They're depressing.

In a few days, I'll post another amazing dream I had. I loved this dream. It ties for the most amazing dreams I've ever had ever in my lifetime. :o)

Oh, yeah, just to let y'all know so you don't bug me, I'm not going to my dance. :o) To to let you know.

Always, I wake up and feel like the day is never going to end.

Every. Day.

But I drag myself up and out of bed, and eventually I am on the bus, then in Homeroom, then at Lunch, and then POOF!, I'm done school for the day, chilling out listening to my MP3 player on the bus.

On the bus, I always feel elated. Another day, gone by. I didn't think I'd survive. Wow, maybe time really does fly. So I get home, finish my homework, and before I know it, I'm in bed and the alarm clock goes off again.

The cycle starts over.

How is it possible to feel so different emotions, in such a short amount of time? I go from being sad and depressed in the early hours of the day, to feel invincible and powerful when I am on the bus coming home from school. It's pretty amazing.

Alright, so school so far this year has been so much fun. I'm a sophomore, so I know the school pretty well. I love seeing everyone; it's pretty amazing how many people I know. This year, I am taking all honors courses; they are all freakishly-hard, but my English teacher is a good one.

Now, onto the big stuff. Last year, there was this boy in my homeroom, who annoyed the crap out of me. His name is Tom. Since my homeroom is the most boring place in the world, I would pull I book out and read. Tom would always say "Ooooh, look, Maddie [YES! HE CALLS ME MADDIE!] has a new book!" But, no one really likes him, so everyone ignores him. Last year, I only had to deal with him in homeroom. But this year, he is in all my classes except for two. And he sits next to me in ALL of them. Alright, so basicially, I hate this kid. End of story.

The next big thing is the Sophomore Dance. Woo. I need to find a date, and fast. I have one guy in mind, and I am hoping he'll say yes. :o) I'll keep y'all posted.

Thoughts on High School

Tossing, turning
Not knowing up from down.

Spinning, swirling
Going round and round.

You find yourself tumbling down
Down
Down
Down

Not knowing where you’ll end up.

But the irony is
You jumped into this hole
This hole you know will end
Eventually.

Willing yourself into the hole,
You jumped
Holding your breath
And hoping for the best.

Even at the mouth of the hole
You can see the small light at the end
Where you’ll be safe
Safe
Safe
Safe

From confusion
From exhaustion
From thinking
From stress

And before you know it
The end of the hole is there
And you’ve reached rock-bottom.

But there’s a thing about rock-bottom
You know it will end
Eventually.

And slowly
Surely
It will become a soft cushion
A pillow to lay
Your weary and confused head.

There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel
But to see the light
You need to believe.

You need to straighten yourself
And keep yourself from tumbling down the hole
Because if catch rock-bottom on an angle
You’re bound to get hurt.